A time for endings and for beginnings

To say the last few days have been bittersweet does credit to neither sweet nor sour tastebuds, because there is something much more extreme about what has come to pass as of late. The elation of performing in front of a real, live and receptive audience. The adrenaline rush. Those gut-wrenching nerves that simultaneously make you feel like you want to die but make you feel like you're really alive for the first time in an age. The pride and joy of putting on a show with not only some bloody talented people, but with some true friends. And the deep feeling of connection to a character I grew incredibly fond of and a play I came to love.

But then there is the flip-side of that, and the heartbreak of losing my beloved Percy. Even as I type these words all that love starts bubbling up and threatens to overrun me (and my keyboard). It has left an enormous void in my life, and I don't yet know how I'm going to fill it or where I'm going to put all that love. Or what I'm going to do with his slobber-cloth.

I think - if we're going to get cheesy about it - that the only possible thing I can do with all that love and energy I had for him is to put it into something else I love; the career I have chosen to pursue. Which is why it seems sort of fitting (albeit dreadful timing) that Percy's life came to an end just as my MA was drawing to a close. Because it really does feel as if I can use these endings as a springboard into beginning something new and exciting.

Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

It still feels like it's unfair. And I still maintain that after having lost two beautiful dogs to cancer before their time, we deserved a Bernese who would grow old and grey. But then life isn't fair. And all Percy managed to do was pack a century of joy, laughter and love into just under 8 brief years. And the outpouring of love and support from those who knew him - some only ever digitally - is testament to the incredibly magnet of warmth and laughter that he was. The irony is that what I really need to cheer me up right now is one of his slobbery chin kisses, or one of his slipper-stealing antics or even an episode of his unwarrantedly violent attack of the Christmas-pudding toy. Something like that. Anything.

I hope he at least can appreciate that the show I performed in during the wake of his loss was ultimately all about cat murder. And though he never got closer than 50 yards to any self-respecting cat, I feel like this is some sort of closure for all the times we would yell "where's that pussy cat?" just to trick him into going into the garden. Somehow he always managed to blindly believe us and search in earnest anew for that pussy-cat every single time.

I am sorry for those who wanted to hear more about the show - but there are at least some photos for your perusal. In summary it was 90 minutes of dark comedy, social injustice, activism, prejudice all mixed into one - with a sprinkling of clubbing music and interactive voicemails. Oh, and a very un-Covid-safe coughing fit from yours truly. Apologies to those in the front row (a.k.a. the splash zone). Jokes aside, I really did have such a fab time putting on a real, full-blown show with a fantastic director and an excellent cast, and it felt like an honour to perform to a crowd for the first time in forever.

Here's to the end of the end, and the beginning of the beginning. And even through the veil of sadness, I feel a sense of growing excitement for all that the future holds.

For Percy x

Photo credits: Steve Gregson

Other photo credits: Percy Butcher