Being there and putting myself 'out there'

As a friend of mine has been known to say (even when we kindly ask him not to): "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take". While wholly accurate, I think I never fully embraced this philosophy. That is, until now.

It has taken a very difficult year - romantically, familially, and emotionally - for me to finally embrace what it is that I want from this life. Events are there to teach us lessons. If you don't believe that, it makes them almost impossible to endure, so that is what I do and must believe. And I have learnt many a lesson as of late. Having finally taught my cold, icy heart to feel, I have learnt that the joy and warmth of that feeling is worth every millisecond of pain. It might not feel like it at the time. Maybe not even 1, 2, or 3 months afterwards. But now, for me personally, 6 months down the line I can fully say that the happiness was worth its counterpoint. This in itself taught me another valuable lesson. Allowing oneself to be vulnerable.

This has always been the biggest fear of mine. Being vulnerable to pain or vulnerable to failure has always been something I have tried my very best to avoid. But what I have been forced to realise, is that if you try to protect yourself from pain or failure, there is never any hope of feeling joy or achieving success. And I realised that I could stumble through life with my head cast down and my hands reaching out in front of me, feeling for any possible obstacle that would slow my journey down or prevaricate the route, taking each step as slowly as I humanly could. Or, instead, I could walk tall, head held high. I could run and race and reach further than I ever thought I could. Okay, that option is infinitely more dangerous, and sounds cornier than I was expecting. The chances of tripping up, of falling down and of looking a fool are far greater. But then the distance I travel will inevitably be further. And I have finally come to terms with that. I'd rather fall flat on my face 500m further down the line, than remain upright but almost stationery for the rest of my days.

So that is why I am applying to drama school. And telling everyone about it. Before I'd have kept it a secret, so that even if I were flatly rejected from every single one, the failure would be felt by me and me alone. But then I realised the people I tell don't actually want me to fail. That's why they're my friends. My family. They want me to succeed, and by that token if I do fail, my failure will be shared and halved by sharing it with them, making it that little bit easier to bear. Just as - if I do succeed (because if I have no self belief at all, why bother?), I shall be basking in the joy of shared success with all of them. So there you have it. I am applying to drama school, and have my first audition this coming Sunday. Wish me luck/a broken leg/whatever the latest trend is.

This year has also taught me that not only should I be putting myself out there more, but no matter what I think or feel about myself, when my friends ask for me, I should always be there too. It's a little bit of a clunky segue, I'll grant you, but then I haven't written here since July so I'm easing myself back in...So - friendship. In this aspect of my life, there is no excuse for hiding in the background or staying hidden for fear of failure. I have been guilty this past year of being blinkered in regards to a best friend. Assuming, wrongly, that I wasn't important enough or wasn't what she wanted or needed. I have learnt my lesson here too and realised that when someone needs me...when someone asks for me, I should always be there. That can be one of my New Year's resolutions. To be there when people need me, because I am important enough. As well as to put myself out there...because in the very least I deserve that and so do all of you. A year of big changes and exciting things to come.

And nowhere is that more true than with my family. As many of you probably know, it's been somewhat of a difficult year for my sister. But all this has proven is that she is far stronger than ever her or I imagined. I am so proud of the woman she has become. And I am very glad she continues to want me as a force in her life. Because as long as she wants me, and as long as she needs me, I will be there. The same goes for all of you. Now more than ever I realise that by putting myself out there - i.e. sharing what I have always fought to hard to protect and keep hidden - I open myself up to a world of possibility. Yes, possible pain, but even more so possible joy. And by putting myself out there I also become better at being there for the people I love. By believing I am valuable I can add so much more value than before. So I suppose if this post has a message at all, it is that you all bring such value to the world, and specifically to my world. It is always hard to see it in ourselves, but by accepting the value we have to offer we become even more valuable to the people around us. To those we love and hold dear. So you are - quite literally - worth your weight in gold. More even. Because I wouldn't trade any of you - not a single one - for all the gold in the world.