Dating dilemmas

Doctor: I’m afraid the prognosis is not looking good.

Me: Oh really? Just tell me the truth Doctor, I can take it.

Doctor: You have Loveitis.

Me: Oh…that’s…I’m sorry, but what is Loveitis?…

Yes, that’s right. You heard it here first. The world’s first case of Loveitis. Loveitis is the modern disease whereby the sufferer finds themselves between a rock and a hard place: they desire, nay REQUIRE love and affection, but try their very best to block its every approach. Let me explain the symptoms by giving you a real-life example. Patient EB (anonymity cannot be guaranteed), overwhelmed by the frustration of never meeting any eligible bachelors in Chalfont St Giles - except for the local over-50s gang that hang at the local pub - decided to download a certain dating app. I have tried for brief stints in the past, lasting at most a few days, but this time I thought I would really give it my best shot. I promised myself to stick it out, despite it going against all my dating principles (what few I have), and to try and go on at least one date.

Needless to say the success rate was low. I found it almost impossible, in fact entirely impossible to tell from a photo what someone is like, and then even if I do start a conversation with them, with no body language to read, no genuine laughter that isn’t typed (‘haha’), and no sensor for sarcasm, I have no idea how to interact or read the electronic situation. Perhaps if I knew what I was looking for, if I were the sort of woman who has a ‘type’ or understands that they like men who are ‘buff’, or ‘tall’, or have great ‘banter’ - even the typing of those words made me feel like an outsider from my own generation; a middle-aged woman trying to comprehend the modern lingo of today’s youth - perhaps then I would be less at sea when using this sort of app. But alas, one cannot change one’s spots, and try as I might I just couldn’t get to grips with it. So a whole 24 hrs after downloading it (hooray! Whoop whoop! Victory!), I deleted the app, perhaps breaking the 3 hearts I had ‘matched’ with, although I highly doubt it.

So there you have it - a case study for the symptoms of Loveitis - the disease which causes the sufferer, no matter how much they claim to ‘love’ love, to undermine any chance of ‘love’ growing, by deleting apps - or some other such obstruction. To be honest the diagnosis (which I will admit to you is a self-diagnosis, and the disease made up - but I am awaiting accreditation from the national science council), well it didn’t come as much of a surprise. Too oft I have blamed the soul-less swiping of today’s dating generation for my lack of success, but then if someone were to approach me in real life - say in an art gallery, or some such rom-com style ‘meeting’ - I would probably label them a creep. So what can I expect? If at every turn I turn people away, whether in a cyber rebuff or a real-life rejection. How can I complain to the world when the cause of Loveitis lies within?

But there is a light at the end of the love tunnel, as I am working on a cure, so fear not fellow sufferers (if there are any of you out there - I hope the disease is not quite so rare). But one warning - the cure will no doubt involve honesty and openness, which, if you’re a shrivelled, closed-off, emotionally retarded chrysalis - like me - may prove difficult. But then, as someone rather clever once said, the course of true love never did run smooth!