Limbo

Funnily enough, this post is not announcing my sudden interest in a very niche 90s children’s party game. Not least because it’s one of my least favourite of the bunch, seeing as I was never any good at it! I was always focussed on the finger food buffet. I had my priorities right from a very young age. This post in fact announces a moment we all of us reach at some point, and perhaps at many points in our lives, whether it be in choosing our GCSE subjects, our A-levels, what we’re going to study at uni, where, and what on earth we’re going to do with the rest of our lives. I too feel I have come to one of those junctions.

For four years I had the real paralysis of decision making taken care of. I knew where I was living, what I was doing, and what my end goal was. And I loved it. Every second. I now find myself not knowing any of these things. I don’t know whether I shall continue living at home indefinitely, or whether I shall move into London. I don’t know what sort of career I am having right now, or ever what kind of career I hope to have. And, finally, most profoundly, I don’t really know what my end goal is. It used to be clear to me. At every stage of my life there’s been a hoop, high up in the air, almost out of reach. I have aimed for it, sprung up several times with all my might, and eventually, usually, I have scrabbled my way through the gap. Be it exams, competitions, whatever. I have always had one hoop - big or small - to aim for. Whether I missed or not was not the main problem, as I always had something steering my course. But now, I find myself surrounded by an entire sky full of hoops. Some are low down, and I can practically walk through them. But they don’t excite me. Some are only just above my head and with a stretch I can just about reach. But I’m not sure I want to. Some are way out in the distance, barely visible and seemingly intangible. Are those the ones I want? They are almost too far away to see.

This sky full of hoops has been filling me with anxiety ever since I left Cambridge. Every time I have my sights set on one and I finally decide this is it, either another twinkling hoop catches my eye, or I lose my nerve. For some reason I feel terrified of committing to just one hoop. But, bit by bit I am convincing myself that this is something to be excited about, not frightened of. This sky full of hoops is just a representation of limitless possibility. In this day and age we have so many opportunities, and no door is ever really closed to us. I want to put my finger in every pie and taste every flavour. You never know if you’ll like gooseberry if you don’t try it! And you never know if that’s the hoop you want until you give it a try.

Now, the only trouble with this theory and rather elongated analogy, is that the hoops that are too far away to see may be neglected. It’s all very well trying the ones low to the ground, stepping in that one, hopping through the other, because it doesn’t steer me off my path. It never takes up too much of my time, nor my energy. Might as well give it a go. But the trouble is, if I want to reach that one all the way up there it’ll take me ages. I’ll climb up half way, then fall back down. I’ll get a little closer every time but I’ll keep on falling down. Until finally, just maybe, I might make it. But what if it turns out to be the wrong hoop? I couldn’t see from all the way down there that it’s far too small to fit through, or it’s made of material to flimsy to hold me. What if I’ve wasted all that time and effort, for nothing?

So, that’s my explanation of what I mean by ‘limbo’. Throughout my life I’ve always had relatively simple choices to make, but right now ‘the world is my oyster’. Or to be more accurate my life is a sea-bed full of closed-up oysters, and I’ve got to spend all my time opening them to find out which one has the ruddy pearl in it. And then I don’t even know if I’ll like pearls. What if, after all that, it turns out I’m into emeralds? Do you see where I’m coming from? Or have I just lost you entirely? Essentially I’m not sure if the goal I am striving after is the right one for me, and I fear wasting time and energy on something that may never have the potential of making me happy. Which is why I find myself at a crossroads/between a rock and a hard place/in limbo. Or whatever cliche you most favour.

I am trying to look at it as an opportunity. A chance to take a step back, reassess, and work out what it is I really want. But then that’s the eternal question. What do we really want? And do we really know what’s best for us? To be honest with you, I really don’t know. But I’m going to give it a long hard think (and I’ll spend as much of that thinking period as possible scratching my chin, looking wistful, or posing like a Rodin - just for effect!). And I’ll get back to you. It’s a world of opportunities and a land of possibilities. We should take as many as possible that come our way. I just want to make sure I’m in a position to do that. I am not one prone to living a blinkered life, and I plan to be staring into the sun for as long as I can (metaphorically of course - please don’t try this at home).