Love in the time of lockdown

I wish I could say I had some juicy juicy gossip for you - god knows how we're all in need of it. However, since standards are slipping (as we near our 3rd month of lockdown!) I figured that what little gossip I have to offer will simply have to do.

Alas, you have once again fallen for my clickbait. This is not a story of love. Well, not in the traditional or grandiose sense. It is rather a tripartite assessment of the different sorts of love that lockdown has brought to my door: unsought, sustainable and self-made.

First we can start with unsought love, because who doesn't like a bit of unrequited love. Can I get a 'I totally feel your pain?!'. In truth, 'love' is too strong a word for what I experienced last week, but if you can't embellish the truth, what would the state of British politics be eh? (I will leave all satire out of this from now on I promise! *cough...Cummings...cough*). But...where was I? Ah yes, the alcohol aisle in Sainsbury's (where else?!). I was in fact, dear reader, not buying alcohol for myself - for once - but for my housemate Will. A few beers for his lockdown birthday present no less! I was so wrapped up in the selection process (by which I mean the game of 'ooh that's a funky label!') that I failed to notice a man encroach towards the edge of my 2m perimeter. And that is NOT a euphemism ladies and gentlemen.

Before I knew what was happening, this stranger had struck up conversation with me. He opened with a compliment on my dress. Which is obviously rather sweet. Minus the fact that I was hot, red and sweaty (after a 3hr round trip walk). Nevertheless, he insisted and in fact PERsisted, continuing to interrogate me as to where the dress was from. Naturally, and somewhat foolishly, I presumed it was because he wanted to buy it for his wife. I was wrong. The conversation then inevitably turned to Covid-19 (don't they all?!) before he began prying into my work life, asking what I did and where I was headed in life. It felt more like a job interview than anything else at this point. And this feeling only grew when he proceeded to walk me through what he did for a living (which I still don't understand, but it involved gold and the selling of it through a private home business. It all sounded a bit dodgy to be fair.) He then asked me if I fancied getting involved (with the business, not with him. He was working up to that proposition).

Naturally I declined, but graciously, politely and oh so decorously proceeded to pick up my basket and wish him a lovely evening. As I was walking away I could see the anguish in his eyes (alright, I'm exaggerating this bit, but what's a girl to do?!) He looked into my eyes (well, at least I think it was my eyes...) and asked if we'd see each other again. Yes, really. That part at least is genuine. I replied in a jocular manner (assuming his words too were spoken in jest) and said 'ooh yes, perhaps I'll see you back in the beer aisle'! Now you - ladies and gentlemen - being far more savvy than I and far less obtuse when it comes to the flirtation game (which perhaps I perform so poorly at because I refer to it as 'the flirtation game' as if Brucey were running my sex life...oh god - a dreadful thought) - YOU will have seen that I was leading myself headfirst into this brick wall of a situation. But, nevertheless, that is the direction my foolish feet carried me in.

So, before I knew what was happening he had once again stepped in the general direction of my 2m periphery and asked if he could have my number. I don't quite know what he was expecting. There are very few scenarios here that have a good outcome. I give him my number and we never speak again. I give him my number and we speak but the romance dies because we can never get closer than 2m again. Or...I don't give him my number. 3 guesses which option I picked. Safe to say Emmanuel and myself (yes, his name was Emmanuel) are unlikely to be getting hitched any time soon. No lockdown weddings for you I'm afraid!

My other loves are the sustaining and self-made kind. Thanks to my mum I am now the proud nurturer of three budding chilli plants! Say hello to Messrs Jalapeno, Cayenne and Habanero. At first I was filled to the brim with anxiety. What will they look like? How big will they grow? Will I kill them with kindness? You get the idea. But, slowly and surely they have begun to germinate. My little babies are growing! I can see the future clearly now, and it is hot, Hot HOT!

Thirdly, finally, but by no means less favourably, is self-made love. Lockdown has brought me a lot of alone time, as it has for everyone else. Now beforehand alone time was something I very much feared. My evenings and weekends would be filled with activities. I would always have a task to complete, an event to attend, or a friend to fool around with. Not like that. Dirty readers. But nevertheless, my calendar was always full. I never quite realised I was doing it, but it dawned on me the other day that I probably did this because I actually was quite afraid of being completely on my own. I mean who wants to spend time with their own thoughts?! Terrifying.

But, lockdown has forced me to do just that. There's only so many Netflix series to stream and only so many poems to read. So for a lot of the time, I have just been left to my own devices...and my own demons. It was a daunting thought to start poking around in my own noggin. I mean, I hadn't spent much time there recently, so who knows what state I'd left the place in? And yes, I had to blow away a few cobwebs, and there was something at the back that had definitely gone off months ago. But, essentially, I found everything to be in pretty good working order. Because that's the amazing thing about your brain. All the time, no matter what, it's doing all this crazy stuff in the background. Helping you live, making you feel, storing your memories and unlocking your imagination.

So, during the hike around my mind, I've discovered a lot about myself. Mostly that I really am obsessed with food, and that I have an uncanny affinity for remembering dog names but not their owners. Sure there was a lot of other self-discovery going on, but that was the gist of it. Mostly, I learnt that my mind is not such a bad place to hang out really. And I think that's pretty near. (Disclaimer: sometimes my mind is not such a nice place to be. It's been known to house the odd pirate, play host to volcanic eruptions, and look more like something out of a horror movie. But it just means I know when to keep my distance. Or when to come armed with friends, family, or - if in doubt - food, to help me navigate the gloom).

So, there you have it. My three newfound loves of lockdown. Okay, Emmanuel doesn't count. But, I will forever remember that Sainsbury's fondly as 'the only one I've ever been hit on'. And now my joy is inextricably linked to the growth of my precious chilli plants. And, to top it all off, I've found out that hanging out with myself is not as excruciating as I thought it would be. All in all, I think we can say I've found some positives to be thankful for. And for once, not all the positives are edible. I haven't resorted to cannibalism (yet).

I hope that this silliness brings you a little bit of joy, as well as a little bit of self-love. Because if you're my friend, chances are that I love you already, and I've got excellent taste so you'd be foolish to disagree!

Have as LOVEly a lockdown as you can muster. And keep staying safe, and sane. Even by yourself.

xxx