Me and the great PWB

You don’t often get to meet your idols. And since I’m dead set against pagan worship, I don’t really have any. That being said, since attending a talk hosted by Phoebe Waller-Bridge yesterday, I may have to rethink my religion.

She was frustratingly brilliant. Infuriatingly likeable. Is clearly enviably talented but also annoyingly humble and bumbling. And her story was one that has striking parallels with my current situation (let’s hope the mirroring trend continues and next time you see me I’m in a BBC series what I wrote and being called in to help with the latest James Bond. Surprise! He’s resurrected!)

Aaaaanyway. Phoebe had this amazing quality of making you feel like her best friend. Even though I was all the way up in the Royal Circle. I guess that’s the kind of quality that makes the best actors and writers (in my opinion). Because it means we fall in love with them just a little bit. And it’s from that place of love that they can break our hearts. Shock us. Change the way we think. It’s such a powerful quality, and it was amazing to see how she captures the essence of who she is in those characters she writes (not that she has ever advocated murder a la Villanelle).

All in all, it was a very inspiring talk. The danger with these things is that you’re in the presence of someone brilliant and you come away feeling dreadful, or like the mountain is insurmount(ain)able, or a sort of ‘it’ll never happen for ME though’ kind of attitude. But her trouble landing parts out of drama school and her real battle to get the theatre she loved made was a great comfort, not a curse or a cruelly high bar to beat yourself with. And it felt like an invitation to believe in what I have to offer. I have often battled with the feeling of whether my story (by which I mean the stories I creatively want to tell) is of value. Whether in this world I have anything to bring to the table that demands or deserves attention. But I have rested upon the feeling that yes, of course I do. I would never undervalue another human being's story or voice, so why do the same to my own? It’s obviously easier said than done, but I am beginning to realise that self-belief and being honest and true to who you are and what you want is the essential core of all success. Whether that means ‘success’ in the world of celebrity or fame, or ‘success’ in the world of fringe theatre and new writing, it really doesn’t matter, because artistic success will be the truth of what you are writing and the characters you are creating and sharing. Who am I and what sort of self-worthiness has overtaken me, I ask you?!

So I suppose you could say the talk has had an impact on me. The more theatre I am watching and the more creatives whose stories I am hearing, the more I am learning to accept my own journey. As wanky and pretentious and self righteous as that sounds. And right now my journey has me in an agent-less cul-de-sac, but with a short film and not one but TWO plays to put on before the end of April (and another play far off in the summer) which makes me the busiest I have ever been as an actor. So in the grand scheme of things, things are pretty good. But after this talk I have also got the bug of writing big in my brain, and although I don’t know exactly what to do with all the energy it’s brewing, I sure as hell know that I want to write. I want to make. I want to do. Even with no aim or end in sight, but just for the sheer love of it. Because it’s a delight. It’s a treat. It is an honour. To step into someone else’s shoes for an hour, for a day, for a whole series. That’s the dream. And there’s basically nothing stopping me from living it.

Hooray!

(I wrote this in the post PWB euphoric glow but I’m hoping all the sentiments will remain true once that has worn away!)