One shuffle forward, 3 leaps back

It's been a month since graduation, and in the grand scheme of things that's not very long, but when you realise the 3 exams you took that determined your entire grade took you just over a week, it seems like a vast stretch of time. That's probably why it can feel a little overwhelming, and a little disorientating, that after 23 years I finally have 'my whole life ahead of me' and the luxury of deciding how I want to spend that life. Trouble is I'm just not quite sure.

I have always wanted to be an actor, not because of the fame or the glamour, but because of what joy it brings to the people who watch you, and that goes for tragedy just as much as comedy. I sometimes feel so light and free after having watched a drama or play that has torn my heart out, because as the Ancient Greeks well knew there is something cathartic about tragedy, perhaps it is the empathy and common humanity it encourages in each of us, perhaps the social freedom to weep and wail, ridding our own tensions through crying for another's. I cannot say what it is, all I know is I want a piece of that. Film, TV, stage, I don't care. I want to make something that can put a smile on someone's face or bring a tear to their eye. That's all I've ever wanted. That's why I am embarking on trying to become an actor. It's a long, slow game, with little progress made so far (hence the title of this post). But I don't doubt something will come along soon - I am an optimist. You have to be!

As well as being an optimist though I am also a pragmatist, and have already had a little think about what else it is I could spend my life doing if my dreams, like so many, don't come true. My alternative plan is to become a write. Ha! What a ludicrously challenging back-up career that is. Hence why I felt the need to come up with a third alternative. Plan C. It sounds rather awful when you put it like that...

Plan C is still unformed and underdeveloped, but I suppose it would be something creative, something that involves variety, learning new things, creating something. I think I've always been happy 'making' rather than simple 'doing'. You make theatre, you make stories, and so if I found something else I could make that might make people smile, or might make a difference to someone's life. Then I feel that would be enough for me. I'll let you know when I discover this idealised, rose-tinted job offer. In the meantime perhaps more traditional and accessible forms of 'making' should be pursued? I'm off to make a cake now, just after I've made the bed and made up some excuse to my parents as to why I'll be back so late tonight...how very creative I'll have to be. Perhaps this is enough after all.